I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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