he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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