Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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