He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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