i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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