If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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