Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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