We won't sleep together?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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