Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
