All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
