I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
What a dumb baby whore.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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