I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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