I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
