she woke up with a sticky ear
thus making me awesome and them whores
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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