Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
