Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
