She is in my trunk
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
