My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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