sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
