I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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