Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
