I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
