eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
