Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
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