They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
