I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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