im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
