wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
