I murdered the dance floor call the cops
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
