My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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