I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
