So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
