im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
