took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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