You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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