I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
