Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
