I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
