when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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