Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
