and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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