she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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