I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
