pop tarts are not kleenex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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