My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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