Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
