why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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