Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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