so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
