It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
