I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
