Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
