we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
