You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
