The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
