My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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