worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
