By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
