naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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