i think i have two assholes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
